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December 24, 2004

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Saroja

Dear Karen,
Thank you for this site titled, "Spiritual Genealogy". I loved your story about your Father....so rich....so beautiful!
My history, spiritually, was pretty much of a wasteland/desert. I was raised Presbyterian..a form of which was very sterile and still seems to be with my "family". The scene was in a little town in southern Pennsylvania near the Delaware border. My sisters and I attended Sunday School each Sunday...this was a time when my parents crawled back under the covers for their Sunday "date!" At holiday time we sang in the choir, burned candles, got up at dawn for Easter sunrise,etc.
In there somewhere I fell totally in love with Jesus and started to image him living in my closet. I would go in there and shut the door and cry and pray. Several times I saw a light in there and a feeling of relief would come over me that I was not alone.
Years later I found a genealogy chart in my mothers' belongings. In that chart it traced the Hebrew, Irish, Scottish background of my family. What happened to all that rich culture? Where did it go?
My family taught me names like "kike" (Jewish), "spic" (Spanish), "nigger" (Black..with maids and nannies included).
When I found that chart...and I still have it in my files under "Important Documents".. it was like a lightning bolt struck my heart! No wonder my grandparents and parents were so racist and white...they had a big secret to keep. And why? So many reasons come to mind with no real answers.
I only have my mother left now. I haven't gotten up enough nerve to ask her why...the conditioning was so intense. Maybe I never will ask but I hope so.
When I met Amma in 1987 I began to think of Her as my real Mother....the One who does not keep secrets and helps me to depend on the Truth. That Truth is Love. That's all, maybe, that I have to know. But there is curiosity about who I am. the history of that. Maybe someday.
For Now.
Saroja

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